Then I was going to do an update for you all at the end of last week but some things materialized with our adoption that I knew I had to wait and figure all this out before posting. So here we are as of today...we are changing adoption agencies unfortunately. Long story short...
we were only using this agency, that we had never heard of prior to this ordeal, because they were the only ones who would be getting "Nissa's" file.
we were on this journey because of "Nissa" and "Nissa" only (or so we thought)
we have been waiting for "Nissa's" file to be prepared since September and still cannot be given a time frame of when to expect it
so we continued down this road, because of the love we have for this sweet girl, giving money to an agency when we hadn't even reviewed this girl's file
the whole time I am leery of this agency and feel there's just something not right with things but we keep moving forward one day at a time
last week (without getting into details) I talk to a few other families and moms who confirm my suspicions and we begin to question the integrity of this agency
we decide we have no other option but to leave our agency because of the things we have heard and lack of trust with them because we were at a point in the process where it was leave now or be stuck for the rest of the process, unfortunately this means the loss of about $1000
but more than that, this means giving up on our little girl "Nissa"
we contacted our agency we used with Brayden (who is wonderful by the way) and they helped pull files for us and look at other children who were waiting
unfortunately when comparing them to "Nissa", none of these children pulled at my heart like she did
was told by another sweet mom that when we found the girl for us we would know
on Monday our 'new' agency told us we needed to tell the agency we were leaving because things in our home study needed to be written a certain way (we were not wanting to tell them until our home study was in our hands because we don't want them to mess around and not get it to us in a timely manner)
Monday night I wrote the hardest email ever to the agency letting them know we would not be continuing. It's one thing to talk about doing so but another thing to actually do so. They know how much "Nissa" is a part of my heart and heard from me almost daily about her and her file. They knew the heart break this is causing. They knew.
Also Monday night the new list of waiting children in China (called the Shared List and comes out usually once a month) came out. What timing! This list is a list of hundreds of children who's files are prepared and any agency can pick them up for their families. I have a facebook friend who has access to the list and sent me the most stunning 6 1/2 year old girl I had ever seen! STUNNING! "Nissa" is cute and seems so spunky but this girl in front of me Monday night was stunning in my opinion. I had to get my hands on her file! This FB friend sent me her file and I knew she could be our daughter. I knew.
Yesterday was really hard
really, really hard
I woke to two emails from the agency we are leaving saying "well good luck on your new kid". That's it? You know how heartbroken we are and how much this girl is a part of our family (she was on our Christmas cards for goodness sake!) and that's all you have to say? Then I see these two women have "Nissa" posted all over FB looking for her family because "the family we had for her backed out of no fault of Nissa's". No...it was your fault! They posted her and commented on her post over and over all day long as to rub it in. Talk about a knife to the heart.
BUT, Satan will NOT win this battle!
We know God has gone before us. He knows exactly which child will be our daughter. He has known all along. Maybe "Nissa" was used by God to get us to just consider adopting again and adopting a Down syndrome child. Maybe God will lead "Nissa" to our family eventually, maybe he has the perfect family for her and it is not ours. But we know He is faithful and has just what we need in His plans
And we are submitting our Letter of Intent (LOI) today
for this STUNNING girl from Qingdao, China!
"Nissa" will always have a place in my heart. I pray God has just the perfect family for her and that they find her. And if not, this agency has 3 months to find them and if they don't her file has to be released to the Shared List so any agency can pick it up, and we WILL be bringing home two girls! Haha!! ;-)
So please just be in continued prayer for our journey if you think of us. Pray they do not hold up our home study and will hand it over to our new agency as soon as possible (I posted a complaint against them on a "rate your agency" site on FB yesterday and they have someone who is a snoop and reports any negativity back to them), that we get an update with more pictures and hopefully a video of this sweet new girl of ours, that my necklaces continue to sell well (I am making necklaces that a couple friends helped design that you can see on FB here or look us up on Instagram at Handmade Hope), that we receive some grants we are fixing to apply for, and that we can now move forward smoothly and quickly with the rest of our process.
I am certain, it's not an adoption without roadblocks Satan tries to throw at us. I know that a year from now we will say it was all worth it like we did with our other two adoption processes. It just hurts my heart right now. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
Day 4 of the Seeds of Change Devotional:
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1
Life is too short and full of too many responsibilities to invest in every good idea that comes our way. As for God ideas, we do not want to miss those and are willing to sacrifice much in order to be a part. In church work and 'ministry', there seems to be innumerable 'good ideas', but they often accomplish far less good than is anticipated. Such cases remind me of God's words through the prophet Haggai, "You have planted much, but harvested little." Why? Where did the Israelites go wrong? They were busy building their own paneled houses (individual ministries) and not building up God's house, allowing Him to be the architect. Far too often we, in the church, invest in things that seem good but are not best because they are not of God. Still, we foolishly wonder, when the dust settles, why God did not empower our plans and work.
The Lord is our Shepherd, so we need not worry about our path as long as we are willing to follow Him and "do" for His name's sake. What does this look like? God recently reminded me that "without faith it is impossible to please God," (Heb. 11:6) and that the very definition of faith is "the substance of things not seen" (Heb 11:1). In other words...Faith is hope shown! Showing hope is a God idea and has been in His mind before the foundations of the world. God calls His children to reveal the authenticity of their faith through obedient and loving actions to a needy world. Did not Jesus Himself show us the way to walk?
So if we are to "show hope", we must first ask ourselves what are those things for which the Word calls us to hope: the hope of glory, the hope of restoration and redemption, the hope of the weak becoming strong, the lame becoming whole, the poor becoming rich, the hope of joy replacing tears, the hope of a heavenly home...
We must always remember that these actions are to flow out of a continual, daily walk with Christ-a relationship founded on prayer. Prayer maintains our perspective. Only in light of our heavenly hope does our work on this earth make sense, remain sustainable, and have eternal value. To walk in the good works that God has prepared for us beforehand, we must stay connected to the source!
~Scott Hasenbalg
Wow, wasn't this fitting??
XOXOXO
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